Computers and torture in my dreams!

A word about judgments.  They are killing our souls.  Whether they get expressed out loud or not, the judgmental thoughts that are routine parts of the ego mind are mind-numbing.  I’m talking about everything from out right hatred (just turn on the news if you want to know what I mean) to idle gossip about others and including those random thoughts and opinions that leap across your mind almost outside of your conscious awareness when your brushing your teeth.

I have decided recently to put my daily spiritual practice to use in a concerted effort to notice my own judgments in an effort to release them on a deeper level.  Boy, was I shocked at what I found.  I consider myself a fairly well-processed individual:  I meditate every day.  I have devoted my life to service.  I am, for the most part, kind and helpful in all my interactions.  And certainly in the world at large, I have a persona that of the Teacher – I have the answer and people assume I am (forgive the hooey-hooey language) “vibrating at a high level.”  The bare, naked truth is, just like most people, I have a lot of judgments and opinions.  And I am SO ready to let them go.

So, of course, I’ve asked my dreams to help.  For two nights, I have petitioned my dreams to give me some information about how judgment is living and breathing in my unconscious and how I can move toward releasing them on a deeper level.  Here is what I have found so far.

Dream number one – the first night:  I dreamed that I was attempting to work on my laptop computer, but it was in a shambles, barely working.  I knew that I needed a new one, but I was reluctant to make the purchase, telling me I couldn’t afford it.  And as long as I hooked into my mother’s computer in the makeshift way I had figured out to do, I could at least function.

The first interpretation that I should give to this dream is to acknowledge how much my computer is a focal point for my life.  On it, I wrote my doctoral dissertation.  On it, I wrote my dream dictionary.  On it, I am writing this blog and connecting with my friends and loved ones.  When I add in the lens of the hold that judgment has on me, I also see that there is a connection to ideas about the world that I got from my mother (that my opinions and a sense of superiority were where my strength lay).  Additionally, I see the cost of clearing out the mess of my current belief system is being too high; something I can not afford.  But really, can I afford NOT to?

Dream number two – last night.  Holy shit, is all I have to say.  So the night before, I learned where my judgmental stand got its first legs and told me that I think the cost for clearing it up is too high, last night’s dream showed me just how high the cost of NOT releasing myself to a deeper level of operating will be.

In the dream, I am tied to a table, stripped half naked and attached to electrodes.  I am being tortured, violently while my inquisitors are asking me questions about how the insurance company that I work for has defrauded it’s customers by charging exorbitant fees to vulnerable people.  I manage to escape, but at great peril and I have to kill off one of my assailants with a power saw, with which I saw him in half.  Once I am liberated from the building, I search in vain for my car, which I eventually find and drive to safety.

CLEARLY, this idea of freeing myself from judgment is a good idea.  My unconscious mind is letting me know that this way of being in the world has in fact been torturing me and is, at the end of the day, a fraud.  Since I spent last night having dinner with a colleague during which we discussed many issues of the day, I believe the dream reflected to me that even well-meaning discussions in which I freely express my opinions about things may look altruistic on the face of it (an insurance company that appears to be helping people get medical care) at the truthful root of it, there is something inauthentic about it (the fraud in the dream) and what is REALLY going on is that I am trying to make myself feel more important and smarter in a deeply disguised reaction to inner feelings of fear and inadequacy (the profit generated by the fraud).

There are two things I am looking forward to in this day:  One is to check in with myself and see how my judgments are operating.  The second is to my dreams tonight!

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